Where to Even Begin?

The idea that 2014 is here baffles me. It is disturbing to me in a ZILLION ways. First of all, wasn’t it just January 2013 like last week? What happened to it? Oh, yeah, I’m a grown up now. Years go by in days it seems. One season rolls into another. The grades tick by. All I wanna know is this:  if I gotta deal with all this grown up, futuristic stuff… where the heck is my flying car?!

The predictions for the future that have been a part of media, art, film and music in the course of my lifetime pale in comparison to the futuristic predictions I had of and for myself growing up. Though these predictions are EPIC, I thought by 2014, at 34, I would be a completely different person, in a completely different place, but life is funny that way. The ways I differ from my “Predicted 34 Year Old Self?” Oh let me count the ways.

1.) I thought I would be atleast like, 5’10,” since every other female in my family looks like they just got out of the taffy puller. I’m 5’6.”

2.) I honestly thought I would be childless. I now have a small collection of children.

3.) I thought I was going to be a marine biologist living in NYC working with dolphins and whales. Yes. You read that right. I was 9. I am a Real Estate agent and live in Murfreesboro.

4.) I was also going to grow and harvest my own food. On a rooftop, since I was going to be in NYC. I broke this one up as A.) I’m excited to get the girls lunches packed in the morning with the food I buy at the grocery, and B.) I obviously had never been to NYC at that point, as all of my plants would be dead since I would be working 24 hours a day to afford living in NYC with my nonexistent marine biologist job studying dolphins in NYC.  

5.) I was going to be rich. Not just a little rich, but like, Rockefeller rich. I obviously have failed at this notion. 

6.) I was going to have this awesomely gorgeous husband who worked on Wall Street but had the morals of a saint. He would be like my Papa, but urbane and wealthy. That’s what I thought the perfect man would be like whilst sitting in the back yard of our incredibly modest home in McMinnville, and thinking that I might actually marry Ken. As in the Barbie.

7.) And lastly, I was going to be completely and utterly happy with every aspect of my life. Obviously. I mean, at 9, 34 was practically dead. Or at least one foot in the grave, so my life had to BE COMPLETELY TOGETHER.

And ya know what? I’m so glad I was wrong. So very glad. But, then how wrong was I? (again, oh let me count the ways):

1.) It’s true I’m not naturally 5’10,” but there are a lot of people that don’t realize that being as I wear 5 inch heels on the daily. The benefits of being shorter than I thought possible are  that I can adjust my heel height to whom I may be dating or hanging out with, and it would have been harder than it already is to find pants that fit me. In my 9 year old head everyone was tall so I had to be. In real life, not everyone is like 6’8″ (though I have dated a surprising amount of incredibly tall men, but that’s another blog all together). The only major downside is that the 5 inch heels do possibly contribute to my debilitating at times clumsiness.

2.) In my head, all children were loud, whiny and impossible. Like me. lol. Luckily, I had 3 amazingly not like that children. I had 3 little me’s with their sharp tongues, razor sharp wit, and whiplash inducing energy (ha!), but they are not at all like the scary little people that I thought constituted having children. Maybe at 9, it really wasn’t the children I didn’t want, but the life that children bring. Responsibility. Lots of work. Never sleeping.  But that’s not what it’s like at all….ok, fine, it is, but not like it was in my head…. The responsibility and hard work become something you want to do, not a scary task. And thank goodness, because I really overachieved on that one having 3 and then staying single for 8 years!!!!!

3.) Though I may not be in my urban Mecca that is NYC, nor a marine biologist studying dolphins and whales in the concrete jungle (ha times two),  I do have a career that is chronically unpredictable…AND JUST AS FABULOUS. I love where I live. I love that I stayed here in Middle Tennessee to have and raise children, as I cannot imagine doing it anywhere else.  What I adore most is that I got drafted into real estate during the depression, I mean recession;), that corrected an unstable market. It taught me a HELLUVA lot. And it strengthened my backbone and helped me begin to take risks, as it’s not my natural inclination being a single mommy of 3 to do so.  And best of all, real estate helped me actually become the strong, independent woman I aspired to be, just in a different context.

4.) I can’t even touch this one really, but I do make it a habit to shop locally when possible and on the outside perimeter of the store where the fresh stuff is, not in the center. Does that kinda constitute harvesting my own food? I mean, I drive across town to Publix, and buy the “natural” stuff. I’m letting myself off of the hook on this one. And not mentioning that pizza is my favorite food at 34, not the “hand milled and made wheat bread” I expected myself to be making off of my rooftop garden in NYC. Where the hell did I really think I was gonna grow this wheat?! If I were lucky I would have a flower box outside my 1 room Chinatown apartment for all of this food I planned on growing. 

5.)  I’m richer than a Rockefeller if you count “rich” as having my dream children, and my dream career at 34. I mean, did Rockefeller’s children ever say things to him like “Mom, I’m never moving out because I just love hanging out with you” or “Mom, I love being your child because you give me a million things to laugh at everyday when you fall down or say ‘ouch’ because you face planted into the door again.” I think not.

6.)  Yeah, I’m still single. BUT, my inability to marry Ken has also benefitted my career as it gave me an excellent foundation for lead retention in Real Estate. Seriously. I developed a phone system for saving suitors in my phone that I have transferred into how to organize my lead log weekly. For example, I used to save love/dating interests by their first name and a way to remember them such as “John Doe- Pretty sure horns were under his hat,” and “James Doe-Dresses well, but can’t spell in text.” Now, in real estate, I save people who call on listings that I wanna follow up with like this: “Jenny Doe-Looking for a 3 Bedroom Home in Rockvale.” It’s silly, but it works in both scenarios:) And yes, I too have converted phone inputs such as not even saving the name, but creating the contact and putting statements such as “DON’T ANSWER THIS ONE.” Some battles just aren’t worth fighting in any capacity. Another great thing about being 34- you learn what you are, and are not, willing to deal with, be they personal or professional battles.

7.) I do have it “ALL TOGETHER.” Just not really, as no one really does, a fact I didn’t account for at 9. BUT…. I have it all together at the end of any given day when I tuck the children I never knew I could ever have been so blessed to have into the beds that I aspired for just in a different context. I have it all together when I sit down at a closing table on a hard won real estate deal and the person sitting there signing looks at me and says “Thank you so much. I couldn’t have moved on to the next phase of my life without you. Plus it was fun watching you contemplate how to take the stairs without dying.” I have it all together, even when I catch my own hair on fire stoking my fire while having a headful of dry shampoo (aka BUTANE for those who actually read labels), because the next morning I have fantastic friends who help me find a remedy (aka extensions) when I text them at  6 a.m. saying “911: Hair emergency,” and they respond with “Girl, what did you do? What color is it, and what color do you want it?” To which I respond, “It didn’t come out of a box this time. Ok, well, kinda a box, but a box on fire. Just tell me when I can come to the salon today.”

I’m sending this in my normal email newsletter style though it drastically varies from what I usually send because each and every one of you on this list I consider a friend. And I want my friends to know that I have decided to make the life I have into a blog. It’s a crazy, hilarious, entertaining life that though completely different from what I expected, but is as fulfilling nonetheless. If you are interested in subscribing, it  can be found here

Happy New Year 2014 guys. I hope it exceeds all predictions and expectations that you ever had for yourself. Love.

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